suddenly...

i haven blogged much these days cuz things got really busy. but will do an "imprefied" post on our hectic impre week plus the wedding indo.

school has started and i'm not really into the studying mood yet. still sleepy and the courses are so diff this sem!

i guess i really am an inner pisces. i get really emotional lately. the feeling of being inside but not really inside has come back.

i dunno how to explain. i can be with a group of friends and laughing ard, joking ard like we're really close but deep inside, i noe there's this awkwardness. i noe that we're acty not as close as we may look. i dunno if i'm the one who's creating this barrier for myself, a barrier that takes much difficulty and years to break. because of this, i feel left out. i feel... ... alone.

i may not be physically alone but i'm emotionally alone. its diff for me to really bare my heart out to someone. its diff for me to get really close to ppl cuz of this invisible barrier. i noe i should get out of my comfort zone and all but i'm really drowning in my own stubornness.

i'm trying to find my spot in the cliques but i guess i haven found a comfortable one yet. so much insecurity and lack of support. sometimes i can also feel helpless but i dun want ppl to see my weakness so i cover myself up again.

i hate myself for lacking courage, for my insecurity, for being so fake.

why is it so difficult to voice out when i need help? so difficult to say that i need support? so difficult to say that i want the care and concern to be for me? so difficult to say that i want to build more substantial and closer friendships?

most importantly, i hate myself for not doing anything to change me.

Happy 2010!

the start of a new year, the start of a new beginning. =] Hope everything is going to be so much better!!

spent the last few hours of 2009 in Dhammaduta chanting. well, not too bad but i admit i almost wanted to doze off quite a few times cuz it was so stuffy.

woke up to a bad start for the first day of 2010. mum was sick and dad was having a temper. mum was feeling very giddy till she cant even walk or stand or sit up straight. when we rushed her to the nearby clinic, she almost hyperventilated and blacked out. luckily the doctor rushed out of the clinic to calm her down. seriously the scare of the year. the clinic dun even have a wheelchair and we had to roll her in on a roller chair. but everything's fine now(thank goodness) just that my mum cannot have big actions or sudden actions or she wil get that sort of giddy spell again.

since mummy cant go out, we spent the first 2 days of 2010 at home watching movies. hahaha. we watched Mulan, Orphan and My girlfriend is an agent (again, for me. hee).

well, i thought mulan was okay, not as bad as what other ppl said it to be. just that the ending was not really a happy ending cuz ideally, mulan should go with that general/prince. doesn't that always happen in all other versions of mulan?!

My girlfriend is an agent is funny. =]=] serious, i can watch it again and still be entertained. but its a little like mr and mrs smith. i rmb watching this in the cinema with the impre ppl at midnight and it managed to keep me awake! hahaha.

after watching orphan, u will think twice about adopting a child. REALLY. its not bad too. it has plot, suspense and a twist at the back. but prepare for some violent and disturbing scenes. oh, and people dying. all in all, a good show. =]=]

oh!oh! i watched AVATAR!! it was SOOO good. =] me and sis is contemplating gg to watch it again in 3D. haha. it has plot, action, romance and fantasy all in one! double thumbs up from a fantasy stories lover like me!! BAGUS! haha.

on 3rd jan had dance heats in the day and had to rush to niic and yanling's wedding at night. it feels so surreal that one of my surrounding friends are getting married already but still, i must say,

CONGRATULATIONS!! 행복하게! 百头偕老！축하해요!

will be blogging more about it after i come back from chalet! ciao!