suddenly...

i haven blogged much these days cuz things got really busy. but will do an "imprefied" post on our hectic impre week plus the wedding indo.

school has started and i'm not really into the studying mood yet. still sleepy and the courses are so diff this sem!

i guess i really am an inner pisces. i get really emotional lately. the feeling of being inside but not really inside has come back.

i dunno how to explain. i can be with a group of friends and laughing ard, joking ard like we're really close but deep inside, i noe there's this awkwardness. i noe that we're acty not as close as we may look. i dunno if i'm the one who's creating this barrier for myself, a barrier that takes much difficulty and years to break. because of this, i feel left out. i feel... ... alone.

i may not be physically alone but i'm emotionally alone. its diff for me to really bare my heart out to someone. its diff for me to get really close to ppl cuz of this invisible barrier. i noe i should get out of my comfort zone and all but i'm really drowning in my own stubornness.

i'm trying to find my spot in the cliques but i guess i haven found a comfortable one yet. so much insecurity and lack of support. sometimes i can also feel helpless but i dun want ppl to see my weakness so i cover myself up again.

i hate myself for lacking courage, for my insecurity, for being so fake.

why is it so difficult to voice out when i need help? so difficult to say that i need support? so difficult to say that i want the care and concern to be for me? so difficult to say that i want to build more substantial and closer friendships?

most importantly, i hate myself for not doing anything to change me.